Last year, the Lord began to work very deeply in my life in learning to TRUST HIM. He walked me through lessons on TRUST with relationships, finances, health and even my family's protection and safety.
In the course of this journey that I now see will last until my last breath, I have seen God in HUGE mighty ways and as quiet as a whisper. I also have questioned Him many times.
I'd like to share with you just a few of the lessons and intimate moments of my journey.
TRUST has been ringing lounder than any other word or concept. The beginning of last year was extremely difficult for us as we had incurred a lot of medical debt when 3 out of 4 of us were in the ER 4 times in a few short months. With the medical bills accruing and with paying an insurance premium, we began to both pray about whether we should continue to keep our health insurance. We both had a sense of peace about cancelling our insurance and God specifically spoke to my heart and asked me to TRUST Him to not only provide for our needs but to keep our family healthy too. It was a fearful thought until He asked me WHO better to insure my family but Him? He asked us to release the burden of premiums so we could focus on the other medical bills and I am happy to say that for almost 2 YEARS He has provided for the very minor illnesses which have occurred during that time. It also has forced me to look to HIM first when my family is sick.
God began showing me things very personal to my heart but kept TRUST in front of me at all times.
During that time last year, I read a book called The Power Of Persistance by Michael Catt. It was totally the Lord on how I even got my hands on that book!! God really began to move on my heart about being true and authentic-not just talking about the things of God like the Athenians in Acts 17:21, but "giving attention to prayer and ministry" like those in Jerusalem in Acts 6:4. He taught me and is still teaching me not only the importance of praying-but how to STOP, BE STILL AND LISTEN TO HIM. Prov. 24:3-4
I had a dear friend give me a book that God placed on her heart to give me called The Art Of Listening Prayer. Just reading the cover of the book scared me! I was learning so many new things about prayer, but this book walks you through conversing with Him and asking HIM questions and then WAITING for a response. I journaled the questions and what He spoke to my heart for the first time and I never went back and read the conversations until I was preparing for this. I couldn't believe the dates lined up to almost exactly a year later. It was beautiful to read what was written and truly filled me all over again. The words that continued to jump off the page in all the conversations were TRUST and BE STILL.
The same sweet friend who gave me the book also allowed our family to get away to the North Georgia Mountains for some much needed Rest and Relaxation for Thanksgiving last year. It was an incredibly peaceful week. Tommy brought a bible study he had done with a friend months before and never completed the last day of study. That week he worked on that last day and the lesson was on praying for your family's protection. One question asked was, "When have you felt God's protection the most in your life?" His answer was during the armed robbery at his office a year earlier. He truly felt His presence, protection and power. We talked about it together and remembered that scary time.
As the Lord would orchestrate the days following, the very day he went back to work after that week of Thanksgiving away in the mountains, our family would embark on one of the darkest times we had ever experienced. Tommy was held at gunpoint and robbed at his office for a second time just 15 minutes after he arrived at work that Monday morning. This time it was very personal and more violent. Still, we have NO question that God allowed every part and it turned out to be a great demonstration of His protection yet again. Granted, I was not the one who experienced the crime, but our hearts are intertwined so the fear in him crept into me. For the first time in my life, I experienced the suffocating cloud of fear. It was SO hard to focus. It was SO hard to claim His promises. It was SO hared to TRUST. I wanted to crawl in a hole and not walk through this valley.
I will stop there because to camp out with those feelings and give more detail would only give satan glory and it is a goal of mine to only humiliate him. That's when My Daddy-my loving, personal Heavenly Father reached down to that pit I allowed myself to dig and grabbed my hands and pulled me out. He did so gently but firmly through music, His Word and speaking directly to my heart. He reminded me that I had already been in training for this battle months ago!!
With that surrender in our hearts, God directed Tommy's steps to go on his first mission trip just 2 months later to Haiti. It was a disaster relief mission trip that was truly life changing for not only him but for me being left behind as well. That is a whole other story on God's provision and protection.
So now my 2010 journey ~ clean hands and a pure heart.
God wants to show me what that truly means. He wants me to remember that even though things "look good" on the outside, only He knows my heart behind it.
He allowed me to walk through a valley where my character was under attack. I cannot say that my heart's response was pure at all at first. I was wounded and broken. I thought, "God, if they only knew my heart!" But this was not about them. I went through anger, hurt and disappointment but refused to let it consume me. Once again, God had just given me amazing grace and freedom and now it was like I was having to relearn what I had just been taught.
In July of this year I wanted to read a fiction book. I had hardly taken the time to read fiction and I really wanted to complete a book this summer. I checked out a Karen Kingsbury booka nd read the book one day after work for almost 8 hours-I never do that! The book captivated me and I wasn't sure why. I really couldn't connect personally with the story line or the characters. I finished the entire book that day. When I woke up the next morning for my Quiet Time, a small part of the story about a bible study lesson on Luke 6 kept ringing in my ears. The girls in the study were discussing how hard Luke 6 was to apply to their life. So, I turned to that chapter and began to read. To back up a quick minute, the aftermath of the robbery was still with us. The 4 men involved in the crime had been arrested and then released on an OR bond a few days later. In a couple of weeks, they were about to finally be arraigned which brought up anger and feelings that I thought had been released.
So, I read Luke 6:27-38. This was the mirror God used to show me the reflection of my heart. God asked me if I was going to just read it or truly be obedient and embrace it.
The floodgates of tears began to fall- you see, we have never seen the faces of the men who committed this crime. God allowed their faces to be covered and has prevented ALL attempts made by Tommy to see any mugshots. We felt victimized again-we needed to SEE their faces to keep our family safe! TRUST ME. We have had all 4 names of the men since day 1. That day, God showed me that He has not wanted their faces to be revealed to us because we are to TRUST HIM for our protection. He asked me if I was not only going to completely forgive these 4 men but was I going to LOVE them and PRAY for them? He said, I've given you their names- NOW PRAY. Don't seek justice for yourself - PRAY for them!
THAT WAS A TALL ORDER!! That day, I wrote all 4 names on a post it note in my bible on Luke 6. That was a message only God could have given me where my heart could respond. It was painfully freeing to have the chains of bondage removed.
I share this testimony not for my sake but for His glory. My prayer in sharing this is that the HOly Spirit in you has connected with the journey God has had me on to something in your own heart that He wants you to release, forgive and be filled. I am a daily-sometimes minute by minute-work in progress. I don't handle every situation correctly and I don't draw on His grace as much as I should. But I can say that HE IS WORTHY OF OUR SURRENDER, GLORY AND PASSION. Unforgiveness is like drinking poision and waiting for the other person to die ~ Pastor Johnny. I have seen it and experienced it. Submit yourself and ask Him to reveal any unforgiveness in your heart and I urge you to let Him remove the infection, clean and disinfect so you can be whole.
Clean hands and a pure heart-
When I stand before my King, I will answer for the motive of my heart-no one else will and I will stand without excuse. I'm still searching after purity and purpose. I realize now that TRUST is a life long journey. I am just greatful He has all of eternity to walk it with me.
